Hangover Anxiety: A Helpful Cure to Blacking Out

By {Casey}

Don't drink. Just kidding. Although, that would help my hangover anxiety. There are many sites on the Internet I've found that talk about how to cure a hangover, {trust me, I've checked them all out...just look at my browser history every Sunday}. However, I think there's a disease out there that hasn't gotten the recognition it deserves: Hangover Anxiety. My life has been affected by this horrible disease since I pledged a Sorority a {while} ago. 

Back then, my friends and I had no remorse. Things would get....crazy, however we all did the same things {for the most part} and rarely felt bad about them. I'm not talking going to jail or sleeping with your best friend's boyfriend here. I'm talking more along the lines of wearing a costume to a date party you thought was SO cute, and everyone looked great that night, but walking home from your shacker's apartment above a bar passing the old folks at Daylight Donuts at 7:00 am, you look like you just fled the insane asylum. However, while crossing the road, you see your roommate walking home too, and it's all better. You are a rockstar, and you don't give a shit what the kids' parents taking them to orientation think.

Things in your mid 20's {yeah, I'm going with mid until I'm 30, get over it} are a tad different. You go out, do things you don't necessarily remember, and take a cab home. Don't you miss the days where you just walked home? Now, I have 1010 Taxi on Speed Dial. Regardless, getting home and waking up with your roommate/dog/boyfriend etc is just not the same as waking up in a house full of 60 other floozies. In college, you could ask "OMG, what happened last night?" and there would be 17 different stories, but you would all laugh because you did it together. Plus you were in your shacker shorts, eating Arbys squeezing 23 people on one couch watching Bravo. Now, you wake up in the clothes you wore last night because you didn't have anyone to take off you super cute yet super tight boots. 

Typically, I end up on the couch because I either A. Pass out there or B. Get booted from the bed because I want to have long, wasted chats with my annoyed BF, am snoring too loud, or take up the whole bed. You wake up to your annoyingly sober BF/Roomie to "Do you remember what you did last night?". No asshole, I'm wearing black pleather pants, have one gold glitter pump on  and my bra is on the outside of my shirt. Can you fill me in? I hate "Do you remember?" questions when hungover. Unless I saved a life, chances are, I don't want to remember. And your condescending tone is not helping. Recommendation: Ignore said person. 

College Hangover {AKA Start Drinking More}

Post-College Hangover {AKA Pass out in your dog's bed}

If you're anything like me, you'll suddenly panic the moment you wake up, looking for your phone and purse. Wallet and ID? Check. No cash because you spent it all on $1 bombs? Check. Phone.....you almost want to not be able to {check}. You have it, which is great and all, but which means....you have to look at it. Do you start with pictures? Or maybe texts? Phone calls?  Yikes. Either way, it's not going to be great. My Hangover Anxiety Recommendation? Plug your phone in to charge in the other room, and walk away. If you like, you can check the outgoing texts, to make sure no one is looking for you. Beyond that, just walk away...

You need to eat, because the last thing you ate was a piece or pizza or hot dog from a street vendor and you aren't sure whether it's still in your stomach. {Damn $1 shots...} This is my worst part. The choices are endless, yet nothing sounds good. Wait a minute, EVERYTHING sounds good. This is called the "Fungries". Fake Hungries, if you will. How to decide what to eat?  You don't. You go to the grocery store, and go crazy. Blue cheese stuffed olives, cheese, funyons, salt and vinegar chips, ice cream sandwich, frozen tortellini, coconut water, smoothies...just to name a few. 

Here's another dilemma: you may or may not be too hungover/still drunk to drive to the store. This is where your friends come in. If you are alone, you call your friend you went out with last night to rehash, and also to make them pick you up. Being together makes you feel much less shitty about yourself when you go to get a Jimmy John's #13 with chips, Chili's Chips and Salsa and Ranch (this can cure ALMOST anything), and Arby's french dip with curly fries. If you have no friends after you went out and live alone... Recommendation: Pizza Hut is your friend. The man in the tiniest car you've ever seen pulling up to your driveway doesn't judge you. He just wants to make you happy with some breadsticks and pizza. I don't care where you live, every town has a Pizza Hut. It's the law.

After waking up at noon-ish, walking to find and plug in your phone, and ordering pizza, it's about 4:00. You are alone, and scared of what you might remember about last night. This is what people call a {brownout}. I'd almost prefer a blackout, because that way you don't remember anything. And you can make up what happened. Your friends don't remember, so neither do you. Basically a blackout is a free pass. A brownout is the equivalent of getting a brazilian. You think it's all fine because you got it done, it's over with you forgot about it. Until the pain resurfaces hours later. Suddenly you are sweating, getting a rash, and need to take off all your clothes because you are having a panic attack and your clothes have decided to attack you. I'm talking about the brownout, not the brazilian. If this happens after a brazilian, you have bigger problems. 

With the brownout, you know nothing. Until about 4:00 the next day. Someone texts you a picture of you kissing a homeless man on the cheek outside the bar. You never would have remembered that, but that damn bitch friend of yours reminded you. See? Not a full blackout because you remembered. Or when suddenly you check Twitter to see your friend's post about a quote you said that night....you never would have said that...would you? Shit, you did. Recommendation on Social Media: STAY AWAY. Nothing good can happen on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram when you are suffering a bout of Hangover Anxiety. When brownouts occur... Recommendation: go to bed. Lay in your bed/couch in the dark, shades drawn, food in hand and turn on some crap tv show that will surely make you feel better about yourself. Jersey Shore reruns can always cure.

Can't sleep because you have a million thoughts, fears, emotions running through your head about how you have no friends left, you should leave town, and basically just walk into oncoming traffic? Melatonin. This is a natural supplement that helps you sleep. Or there's always the magical ZZZQuil that is just used for sleeping. And good news, these are all legal! I'm not great with the Melatonin, because my body requires a heavy prescription. A lifetime of bad decisions and Rumchata shots will do that to you. And an amazing doctor. But if you can go to sleep, that will only help the anxiety. 

Last Resort Recommendation: Call your best friend. This is probably not your friend you went out with last night. This is most likely your BFF from middle school, your sister, or your College Party Buddy-turned Bestie. Or if you are lame and annoying, your husband (I'm talking the "Today I marry my best friend" type). Tell them about your night. Tell them all the gory details, and don't skip anything. If they are truly your best friend, they will laugh, and say "Oh my god get over yourself that happens all the time". They will make you feel better and not like such a wreck.

If none of that works, I suggest a quick stint in Rehab.