Advice You May {not} Want To Take

By {Casey}

I'm not one most people go to for advice. I'm more the person who will judge you for taking bad advice, and then give you my unsolicited opinion. These are not your typical "Dance Like No One's Watching" tips or "What Makeup to Wear When Trying to Seduce a Man". Trust, I dance like I'm on acid and I wear Burt's Bees and too much bronzer on the daily. Good luck to you, and please don't reach out if my advice fails you. 

1. Always have ice cream in your house. This has forever been my number one rule. I have no idea why. If you get dumped, ice cream is a fantastic cure. You must ALWAYS have ice cream. (Don't get the frozen yogurt...you just got dumped. Stuff your lonely face.) Side note: if you tell your boyfriend this and he shows up to your house with a carton of Mint Chip and Cherry Garcia, re-install your Tinder App immediately. 

1. 
   
   
   
   
2. Always pluck your eyebrows in the car. There is somehow, no better lighting than in your car. You will suddenly find the blackest, longest hair growing out of what you thought was your hairless face. Even if you're albino.
   
   
   
   
   
3. Keep a notebook and pen by your bed. The time you will come up with the most brilliant idea, funniest blog post, or remember the thing you've been trying to remember for 7 years, will be right when you fall asleep or when you wake up in the middle of the night.
   
   
   
   
   
4. Always carry headphones. At work, on a walk, at the gym...anywhere. Music can truly change your mood. You know what else can change your mood? Wearing headphones with no music playing just so people won't talk to you. If you have ADD like the rest of the world, music can distract you. But when encountered by the co-workers trying to get you to help them with a project, children running at you while on a walk wanting to pet your dog, or a personal trainer wanting you to do a quick workout with them because your waist is as thick as Sandy Cohen's eyebrows...headphones will be your saving grace.
   
   
   
   
   
5. "Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together." - Elizabeth Taylor. My dear friend {#MorganTSP} gave me this frame with the quote in it and it's sitting right by my door so I see it everyday. This is genius. Truly. If you have a horrible day at work and just want to rant about it to anyone who will listen {insert pet's name here}, I swear by this instead. Grab some wine, put on RED Lipstick (I love Rimmel London Lasting Finish by Kate Kiss of Life) and get your shit in order. You'll feel like a boss. 
   
   
   
   
   
6. Never get a spray tan and then get waxed. The scalding wax will in fact rip off your spray tan. Makes for great conversation when someone asks if you were recently part of a "Got Milk" ad due to your white upper lip.
   
   
   
   
   
7. On an unfortunately related note, never shave and then get a spray tan. This seems like common knowledge. It's not. I remember in college when I did this and got a spray tan directly after and it looked like I had a mild case of...something. What am I saying? It looked like I invented a new disease! Lucky for me, the man I was going to visit was drunk and desperate. 
   
   
   
   
   
8. If you hate your job, quit. Unless you are homeless, using food stamps or are on welfare. And always remember, you are only a liquor store away from happy and a maximum of 5 days away from the weekend. Unless you have to work on the weekend, which in that case....stock up.
   
   
   
   
   
9. Depending on where you work, bring 2 pair of shoes to the office. Hooker Heels by day, Flats by night. And no, I didn't mix those up. I drive to work in my flats, because I don't need to impress my dirty car floor. When I get to the office, I put on those bitch heels. Bitch heels = 5 inches or taller. It's a fact (in my own mind) that you will walk taller and feel more empowered while hovering over the little ones in their cubes and stomping through the office. Or, you will look like an Amazon Beast and annoy people with your loud heels. Also, if you can't walk well in heels, ignore this. Nothing uglier than a girl hunched over clomping around looking like they were just birthed by a deer.
   
   
   
   
   
10. Last piece of advice? Don't take advice from me. I've been told to see a therapist on more than one occasion and my 86 year old grandpa's pill box has nothing on my cabinet-o'-drugs.